Alright, since it seems to be the subject everyone wants to talk about, let’s take a good look at my pathology that would CHOOSE this experience in my life.  Nevermind that the folks who seem the most eager to delve into my role in this have been in similar positions before, but don’t recognize (or want to discuss) any parallels in their own dysfunction.  I’m really no different from everyone else who would prefer to focus on the reasons WHY I’m fucked up rather than HOW that manifests in my life.  But I’m feeling particularly vulnerable right now, so why not serve as a psychological specimen for everyone to vicariously resolve their own issues through my public processing? 

Human beings are funny creatures.  No one REALLY wants to hear or discuss the details of someone else’s suffering.  Hell, most people can’t even wrap their head around their own shit.  No one really wants to understand the reality of another’s pain.  They just want to make it better, make it go away, make it right, so they can feel better about themselves and the world in general.  But even the people who want to hear the dirty details are often plagued by their own demons, searching for answers in someone else’s questions or comparing their experiences to move up one rung on the ladder of human hierarchy.  Sometimes people do truly feel sorry, but who is WILLING to watch those they love be tormented by problems they cannot solve and who is ABLE to completely suspend judgment or control and just LISTEN to the painful processing of another?  It’s no easy job.

Many times we project our own shit on other people.  I actually had one friend tell me that everyone has skeletons in their closet and that I need to look at how I contributed to his infidelity. Of course, this was after she confessed to her own adultery and attempted to justify her actions based on the behavior of her spouse.  First of all, I have NO skeletons.  Anyone who does not know absolutely everything about me has just not asked enough questions.  Secondly, while I do recognize that some CHEATERS like to rationalize their sickness by blaming others, I am one of those people who believes that THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR BETRAYAL.  If someone is unhappy in a relationship, if their needs aren’t being met, if they aren’t being treated the way they deserve to be treated despite honest disclosure and effort on their part, END THE RELATIONSHIP and move on.  If you choose to stay in the relationship, you are still bound by the agreements of that relationship.  PERIOD.

While I do believe that there is a lesson in every experience and choices that I made allowed this experience to manifest in my life, I am in NO WAY responsible for the actions of my shameful man.  I am only responsible for the deeper motivations that would attract this experience into my life and my responses to the realization of this information.  The confusion of causation and correlation is one of the most common fallacies that leads people to place blame where it does not belong.  Yes, I CHOSE this experience.  No, I did not CAUSE it. 

But I am not special in that regard.  Really, WHY do any of us CHOOSE to be violated or disappointed by others?  Why would any of us choose to be abandoned, neglected, deceived, abused, or otherwise mistreated?  We all do it.  All of us at some point in our lives have CHOSEN to be the casualty of someone else’s pathology.  No one is exempt here.  At least I’ve never known or met anyone who claims to have a spotless record when it comes to their interaction with others.  My spiritual beliefs require complete accountability, though.  I have come to recognize that we create our own reality, whether by accidental apathy or conscious intention.  Therefore all horrible acts are agreements between participants and none of us has chosen a life FREE from such experiences.  So, why does the child choose the abusive, neglectful, neurotic or emotionally-challenged parent?  Why does the battered spouse choose the abuser?  Why does the slave choose the captor? Why does the betrayed partner choose the infidelity? 

Apparently, it’s complicated.  I chose this experience for many reasons, some healthy, some unhealthy, some consciously, others unconsciously, but always because I WANTED it in my life experience at some level.  Let’s start with the unhealthy motivations since that’s the hardest to admit and I don’t want to get distracted here.  Obviously I’m working on some self-esteem challenges that have manifested from other experiences I have chosen in the past.  Those of us who struggle through these growth opportunities, usually stumble a few times before we finally refuse to be treated or treat others as anything less than the divine light that we ALL are.  Some of us stumble more often and more dramatically than others based on the level of challenge we CHOSE in this lifetime and how quickly we GET the lessons.  I guess I chose an advanced level, nothing deserving of martyr status or praise, but definitely capable of producing tremendous growth and introspection.  All of us are really learning the same lesson, or more accurately, remembering the same truth.  We chose to enter this human experience, this grand illusion, with the same purpose: to co-create our collective evolution through the conscious experience of our own divine, infinite possibilities.  No, I am not high.

So, back to my unhealthy motivations… I chose this experience, because up until now I had not learned the lesson that is presented here… a lesson that I created (and have created before) to provide opportunity for my own personal growth and my contribution to our collective evolution.  This is not a one-dimensional lesson.  There is as much to learn from my future choices as there is to learn from my past and present.  I’ll explore this in more depth another time.  Each life is a series of growth opportunities, a collection of choices that allows us to move forward. 

But is this entirely an unhealthy motivation?  There is a larger lesson here.  Our human reality is a necessary symbiotic dichotomy.  Experience and choice do not exist without contrast.  How do we truly understand trust without the possibility of betrayal? How do we experience forgiveness separate from acts of violation and mistreatment?  How do we know unconditional love until we love unconditionally? 

I don’t have all the answers.  But I do know what feels good, and anger and judgment don’t feel good.  I am very clear that regardless of how I move forward through this, grief is a required part of this process.  Unfortunately, I am not perfect, and my grief can make it difficult for me to BE LIGHT in every moment.  I am sorry to everyone that I hurt and that I have hurt as I grieve.  Even my shameful man.