So, I’ve been sitting here in my recent thrift-store score office chair for about 45 minutes now, not doing much of anything.  I’ve already surfed everything I could think of on the ‘net and I don’t really have enough energy to get out of the chair.  There are a number of things that I should be doing, perhaps tending to the dishes that have sat in the sink for a week now, or maybe grading some of the mound of papers I’ve been too distressed to attempt.  Mostly, though, I know I need cat food.  Actually, I’ve been without groceries for several days now, but coffee and crackers can go a long way.  The cats, though, they have sensitive stomaches and they deserve more than crackers.  But that would require me to get out of my bathrobe and leave the house and that involves tremendous amounts of energy.  I’m going to do it, though, because if nothing else right now, I love my cats. 

It would be swell if there was something anyone could do to help me.  I’ve got all these people in my life who love me who keep telling me they are there for me, and I guess that’s great, right?  I could have nobody that cared about me.  But, honestly, what the hell can anyone do?  I don’t much feel like talking, and it doesn’t actually make me feel any better anyway.  I don’t want to see anyone or go anywhere, because I’m just about tapped for energy and eventually I have to lay alone in my bed and remember that everything I’ve been working toward has been leveled to ground zero. 

 I’d love to speak with a counselor, but I’ve been on a waiting list to get one for several weeks now.  Without health insurance, I’m limited to the local community health program that provides counseling for $10 per session.   Apparently there are quite a few people like me who beat me to the hand-out desk.  It took me a little longer than most to ask for help because it’s pretty shameful  to have a doctoral level education and qualify for such programs. 

I’ve been diligent in my job search for over a month now because living on $1250 a month wasn’t really working out for me even before I knew they were planning to close my school.  But it’s not like I’d put on an impressive interview at this moment anyway.   Hell, I’m afraid to go to the grocery store and break-down when the cashier asks me how I’m doing. 

 I make every effort to be strong when friends and family call.  They can’t change anything and there’s no sense bringing everybody else down.  There’s nothing like throwing band-aids over gaping wounds to remind us just how powerless we truly are. 

 It’s all just so ironic.  I mean, the six months preceding this upheaval were some of the most positive in my life.  I was so excited about the possibilities, so hopeful, so focused on creating my ideal experience.  I teach the power of positive thinking for fuck’s sake!  I was that annoying inspirational nut who got excited every time I got to show The Secret in class and then share personal examples about how I’ve created a dream life with happy thoughts.  I’d write motivational comments on every student journal and scribble smiley faces incessantly. 

But today my only motivation is cat drool, as I stroke the purring friend who has made my lap her safe haven.  Unfortunately, I must disturb her nap to brave the grocery store before I am tempted to return to the unconscious state myself. 

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