(Kudos to my new friend TwoBlueDay for inspiring me to rant in this delightfully fun display of sarcasm.)

1. I worked hard to become a wasteful, elitist glutton so please stop telling me I’m destroying the world with my lifestyle.

2. Of course I deserve it all.

3. Unlimited economic growth is the only way to go (even if it resembles a cancer).

4. If you disagree with me, you’re an asshole. If you disagree with our government, you’re a terrorist.

5. If you can’t stop bitching about your civil liberties, you need to move to Canada.

6. You’re either with us or against us.

7. Why should I care that half the world lives in absolute poverty, dying of starvation and hidden landmines, when our own higher cost of living forced me to downgrade to standard cable and an economy car?

8. Blame the French!

9. Literal and strict interpretation of the Constitution (much like the Holy Bible) is the only way to ensure we maintain the Manifest Destiny status quo of our sexist, slave-owning, native-murdering forefathers. 

10. Free trade is fair trade, because survival of the fittest always creates an equal playing field for rural African farmers against corporate US agriculture backed by billions in government subsidies.

11. When in doubt, bomb the shit out of anything that moves.

12. When will these people learn that they are sitting on top of OUR oil?

13. Innocent until falsely accused.

14.  4,000 US soldiers dead? God bless them for liberating those poor Iraqi people.  Please pass the mashed potatoes.

15. Why can’t those fucking Africans stop killing each other? The Europeans could learn a thing or two from us about how to control their niggers when they give them their independence.

16. God made me do it.

17. When you live in this country, you must speak English, and when I visit your country, you must speak English.

18. They only attack us because they hate our freedom.

19. It’s not my fault that being born white gives me a 300 year family advantage of access to owning property, accumulating wealth, and acquiring college education. 

20.  Being gay is completely unnatural.  They should just devote their lives to celibacy. 

21. People who commit crimes are animals who deserve no mercy, unless they do it wearing an Armani suit. 

22. What’s good for me is definitely not good for you.

 23. Killing innocent people is murder, unless you do it in the name of freedom.

24. Torture is inhumane, unless you use it to interrogate people who don’t speak your language or practice your religion. 

25. I’m sorry.  Do I look like I care?

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